journal | bisexualmale04

journal

may 25 (sun) - starts crashing out

hellooooo... yet another week and a bit of not updating my website..... sigh. i will do it tonight!

my sister crashed her bike on the way home from work the other day so now i have to start waking up earlier to drive my mom to work so my sister can have the car because my mom is now scared of her driving it. and also she had a crazy dentist bill and we don't want that happening again. lol.

my friend frankie and i have decided to start learning old english! it is somewhat slow going as frankie has way less background knowledge than i do but that is fine ^_^ we are aiming to be done our textbook by the end of the summer. i made us a schedule for what we are going to go over, we are meeting twice a week every week and currently we are projected to be finished by the first week of august. that leaves us some extra time just in case we need to skip a session or something. so far it has been fun! i like learning about the different sounds and stuff. today we mqde it to chapter 2 which had lots of declension paradigms. it is also super fun to find similarities in the example sentences between old english and modern english. if i don't say so myself i am pretty good at finding cognates/equivalents even when things aren't spelled the same ^_^ i am thinking of maybe doing a couple journal posts in old english later in the summer once i get more knowledgeable.

work has been the same. one of the new coworkers stole my notebook AND reference brochure which doesn't give me the best first impression but compared to the other girl... other girl apparently drives drunk. which is. erm. way to tell everyone you don't care whether other people live or die......i have a really low opinion of people who drive drunk. i understand it if it's like. an emergency. like you've been drinking and then your friend/family member needs to get to the hospital asap and there is no time to wait for an ambulance. or something like that. but that was NOTTT the circumstances under which she was driving drunk in the story she told us..... she also just kind of seems like. a lot. idk so far i am not a fan of her but she hasn't even finished her training yet so maybe that will change! i am more worried about the other lady though because she is like 40 years old and from a small town so i am not sure how she will take the transgender thing. but at least i know if it goes badly our facility manager e will be there and he is awesome so ^_^

other than that idk i haven't been doing much... started watching the secret lives of mormon wives with my coworker r. it's not something i would normally watch myself but it has been so entertaining how are these people real. we also started house md and also watched the first fred movie which was less funny than i remember but oh well. i liked seeing john cena in it.

that's it i think... ok i am going to go type these up and finally post them!!

may 16 (fri) - hey...

hiiii another week of summer has passed... i have new coworkers! 1 i have already met i am still not sure about her but it has been so far so ok... the other one i am Worried about. she is a middle aged woman from a small town so i am concerned how she is going to take the transgenderism...

speaking of transgenderism i have been so insanely dysphoric this week... well not just this week it has been slowly ramping up for the past while. but now it has come to kick my ass ☺️ yay.. i think that thinking and agonizing about it so much is also contributing. so that's nice.

i keep getting videos about transmedicalism on my tiktok fyp (sorry for using tiktok 😓) & i am not sure how i feel about this recent rise. on one hand my instinct is to completely reject it because i used to be a transmed truscum tumblr discourser back in the pre-pandemic days & i was constantly so miserable & i took it out on other people in a really gross & unfair way & once i started to leave those spaces i told myself i wouldn't go back because it made me feel like shit & then i made other ppl feel like shit. but on the other hand after transitioning & living in the real world i do think there is like. a difference between people who medically transition or want to medically transition & those who don't. I DON'T MEAN THIS IN A "YOU NEED DYSPHORIA & TO MEDICALLY TRANSITION OR ELSE YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY TRANS" WAY BUT IN A "ALL SQUARES ARE RECTANGLES BUT NOT ALL RECTANGLES ARE SQUARES" WAY. to be clear. we are literally constantly being persecuted & brutalized who cares if someone doesn't want to medically transition. & it's also not just medically transitioning which is an important factor but also like if you are visibly trans vs extremely passing/stealth. & then with both of those things there are other contributing factors like if someone wants to medically transition but can't due to finances/medical issues or stealth/passing trans people facing medical discrimination. idk it just seems to me that like maybe we should be trying to have these nuanced conversations as a community & listening to a variety of perspectives from a variety of types of people instead of infighting & creating new binaries. like to be completely honest if we are talking about people facing medical transition on the basis of their being transgender maybe i will consider a transsexual or medically transitioning person's opinion more than someone who doesn't want to medically transition but that doesn't mean their perspective isn't a valuable contribution to the conversation. & in that same way i will value a non-passing trans person's input more than a stealth person's when we are discussing visibly trans people being harassed, assaulted, etc in public. when someone has lived experience directly relating to a subject i value their input on that subject more than someone who doesn't have that experience. i wouldn't give much input in a conversation about binding because i haven't had to bind in almost 4 years now so my experience with it is somewhat outdated & also not fresh in my memory. so yeah. long paragraph sorry i will try to trim when i edit & post this but um tldr i think we need to stop being stupid & if someone has lived experience relating to something maybe their opinion holds a little more weight than someone who doesn't. all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. 👍 i might end up writing a longer thing about this for my gender blog...

anyways other than that new name dropped hi i am now officially called madison, you can still call me sasha or my irl idm but madison or maddy or mads are preferred. or irl name. i always feel so awkward announcing a new name or pronouns or whatever WHO CARES i am transgender which automatically makes me cooler & sexier than all cisgender people on this planet.

hmmm what else... i got new sweaters!! i like this one sustainable ethical fashion brand called frank and oak but their stuff is suuuuper expensive so i can never get anything from there unless it is on sale. luckily for me they are super bad at handling their money & are now declaring bankruptcy or something for a SECOND time which means HUGE SALES!!! they have really nice knitwear, i have 2 sweaters from them one of which is a little boring which i don't wear that often but the other one is one of my most faves of all time. & i just coincidentally got my tax return at the same time as i saw an ad for their sales on my instagram. so i was like hmmm maybe i shall check out? & i browsed around a little bit & bookmarked a couple sweaters that i liked... & waited a few days to consider it....... & then i decided to buy 2 of them after seeing that it was free shipping. i got a brown & white one & a green one with a collar, they both arrived yesterday & I LOVEEEEEE. i was wanting a couple more sweaters for my collection & originally was going to wait for the fall but 60 & 70% off frank and oak sweaters was too good to pass up. especially considering one of the sweaters i bought had been on my christmas list. but nobody got it for me... tch whatever anyways i saved $220 on them & paid less than $150 total so i'd say i made the right call. & now my sweater collection is complete! i just need 1 more cardigan & 1 more sweater vest. or maybe 2 cardigan & 1 vest of some other sort idk i haven't decided yet. hey i think i want to make a fashion page because i have been getting into it more & more... anyways. here is the list of knitwear i have:

speaking of fashion it has been so fun dressing up for work every day!!! i love making my cute outfits. i usually dress pretty basic & have been slowly going more & more normalcore in my style (never fear! i am looking for items to preserve my sparkle) so i can wear a lot of my already established outfits. now with the addition of button ups for an extra touch of professionalism & also to add some more variety. i have several outfit combinations i rotate through:

yea like i said pretty basic. i rotate through basically the same 3 pairs of pants & 5 plain tshirts. i am trying to find a couple good graphic tees (or maybe learn screenprinting... i want to do more art this summer.) to add some variety outside of work attire.. i have a couple band tees from hot topic that i wear but not many. & i want a couple more layering pieces like vests or cardigans or etc that i can add to my rotation. & also i have other pantses which i am planning on customizing. so excited for next fall when i get to wear all my awesome new sweaters 🥳 i love to wear sweaters. i always get really sweaty when i wear a big parka in the winter when it will be like -25° so i like to layer & wear a thinner coat so i can remove layers as needed & regulate my temperature better. 2 pairs of pants always & i actually don't like base layers much (i hate pants that touch my legs a lot) so i wear pyjama pants (which has the extra benefit of being so so comfy). what was i saying sorry i took like 125mg worth of edibles an hour ago. sweaters. yes i am so excited for sweaters ❤️ there is 1 more sweater i want to get which is more for the summer/warmer months, it is a gray hoodie with a double zipper so i can have it mostly open but still closed. actually let me put my fashion wishlist here:

for some reason wearing a plain white shirt & blue jeans makes me feel so male so i have been resorting to that a lot lately. but anyways yes thats my wishlist i have focused a lot on getting necessities ('necessities' as if i need fashion to life lmfao) & now i want to get just a couple unique things so i can retain my sparkle. i love fashionnnnn i need to do that thing where u photograph all ur clothes and remove the background so u can have a virtual closet to pick out clothes. that would be so cute

I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING one of my friends maxy likes this comic called pinky and pepper, she posts about it sometimes & i have been meaning to check it out but i keep forgetting... note to self. look into pinky and pepper.

i also have been thinking about remaking on tumblr... i haven't used my blog regularly in a whiiiiiile & while i do want to mainly stay on here/instagram i thought i might use it more if i remade on desktop only... i want to use my phone less & my computer more because using the computer makes me feel far more extremely productive & good about myself. i am going to start doing things that i like to do even if i don't particularly want to do them. for example i don't want to bike 12 km one way but i like to go to the river & i like sitting in the sun & i like biking so. i can find a way to make the trip less burdensome...

oki i am going to bed now i can't think of anything else to say. goodnight i love you.

may 10 (sat) - transgender thoughts

i have decided to lock in...

i have been doing a lot of self reflection lately because that is an important thing for a person to do... and i have been thinking... and reflecting.... and introspecting.............. who am i, who do i want to be, how do i achieve that, how do i want to be percieved by others, etc.....

i have been feeling some type of way for a while now but i kind of have been ignoring it because my preferred coping mechanism is to never deal with anything ever & just tell myself everything is fine. BUT i have decided that i am going to lock in and actually do what i want because it's a free country and also yolo.

editing note i was yapping about a whole lot of nothing here. see next paragraph for the summary.

moral of the story i feel like i give prepubescent boy and/or nonbinary but lowkey male when i want to give male lowkey nonbinary. so i am changing myself yay

in a similar vein i have been thinking of changing my name... obviously i go by sasha online & have been doing so for the past like 4 years almost. i have a different legal name i usually use irl but i have met up with some internet friends a couple times & they always call me sasha which is fine but i just feel. disconnected from it?? like i can recognize yeah that's my name but it doesn't feel like me if that makes sense??? i don't get that same thing really online but irl it kind of throws me off for a little while. idk. anyways because of this i was thinking of choosing a new name to go by. i have always been really drawn to gender neutral names or like girls names for guys/vice versa (obviously names aren't inherently gendered etc etc blah blah blah and so on) ex. drew tanaka from percy jackson. & i came across a post about how the name madison used to be a name mostly/only used for boys (or as a last name) & i was like hey actually that's kind of sick i might steal... also when i was a kid in grades like 4 and 5 i really wanted a nickname because i was friemds with a group of girls who each had a nickname but there were no nicknames for my deadname so i was the only one without one, & there are like 3 for madison i can think of off the top of my head: maddy, mads, & son/sonny. so that's another perk! i was thinking i might add it to my first name so i can be name madison middlename lastname. if anyone reads this & wants to give feedback that would be extremely appreciated!

anyways now onto other things... finished my first week back at work! it was honestly really fun, even though my manager was there the whole time which killed the vibe a little but my beautiful funny kind awesome amazing coworkers all returned so i basically just get to hang out with my friends all day... oh i should assign them names because idk if they would want their real names put out into the world. well maybe i will just use their first initial actually because that would get so confusing

me & r were in the box office all week, we spent the first day and a half relearning how to do stuff & then were bored the rest of the week because our manager being there meant we couldn't talk freely so i played a LOT of web solitaire. but we had a day and bit of freedon & that was very fun. b was only in for one day since we had a show but otherwise it was just me r and e all week not including our manager. i honestly really like working with r & e because theyre both bisexual & neurodivergent as well (i think r is bi um...... if she ever reads this please confirm) & e actually was a founding member of my highschool's gsa which is CRAZY. & he is also really chill and his desk is super close to ours so he is in the box office all the time & he lets us get away with basically anything as long as we don't act like our evil other box office coworker y. she is evil. y is basically just the worst she is not good at her job in an irritating & problem-causing way (as opposed to a funny way) & also is just annoying in general but she is also old & we think (according to what e has relayed to us) she has started cognitively declining so we are giving her more slack this summer. but also she could have gotten r fired last year because of a mistake she made & never even apologized or mentioned it again so she also is still evil. anyways.

next week is going to be basically the same except both tuesday and wednesday we are free from the manager 🙏 i honestly am excited for it. i sometimes feel a little out of place because i feel like my socializing skills are way way worse than either r or e's are but it's ok because they still like me & treat me really niceys.

i am in a new room for the summer!! my parents' house has 2 bedrooms upstairs & 2 in the basement, mine has been in the basement for as long as it has been finished & my dad used the upstairs bedroom as a home office but he graciously swapped with me because living in the basement was making me lowkey super depressed so now i am upstairs & i have a beautiful big window & am super close to the kitchen & bathroom and it has been awesome so far. it is way closer to my parents' room so i need to be very careful to crank my hog silently but other than that i have no complaints.

hmmmm what else... frankie gave me their mom's old adult tricycle!! we used to ride it around all the time in highschool & thought it had been lost when their parents moved but they found it! & i get to have it !!!!!! so excited it's genuinely so fun to ride around on.

canada election happened. liberal minority! i was hoping for a majority (ndp majority someday is the dream... after they clean up their act. WTF WAS JAGMEET DOINGGGGG BRUHHHHHHHHHH) but minority gets the job done. hopefully pierre loses the upcoming by-election lmfao that would be hilarious. maxime bernier of the racism party i mean the peoples party naturally got 0 seats, elizabeth may was the only green to hold onto hers she's a legend i loved it when she called out a parliamentarian for using an unparliamentory word (the word was fart), pierre lost his seat which was funny as fuck he's been unofficially campaigning for more than a year & he STILL lost, jagmeet lost his seat which was unexpected as he was the incumbent but honestly deserved the ndp ran an actually atrocious campaign this time around. bloc lost lots of seats but most of those flipped red for the liberals so thank you quebec for your sacrifice... i have seen ppl talking about how they hope the bloc works with the conservatives... do you not know what happened last time they did that?? they lost so many seats in the next election it took them over a decade to recover. theyre not doing that again 😂 alberta & saskatchewan you are dead to me. i was watching the cbc livestream & it got so scary around like 11pm-midnight because after the cons started to close the gap between them & the libs so many seats kept flipping from red to blue & vice versa i felt kind of ill watching but we prevailed in the end! ndp was decimated bloc was brutally injured greens only lost 2 seats but they only had 3 before so... but we kept the cons out ! yay

um what else.... new pope? i'm not catholic i never was catholic i will never be catholic so i don't really care. kind of transmasc name if u ask me pope leo... ok purr what binder brand are we using in the vatican. is he on the shot or the gel or does the church pay for the implant for him...?

i think thats everythint bye

may 7 (wed) - starts choking myself out and slamming myself against the wall

I AM OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED YESSSSSSSS 3 days of work done so far and it has been sick. my coworkers are beautiful and amazing as expected. my job is beautiful and easy as expected. i am also as bad at solitaire as expected

tbh work hasn't been the biggest thing on my mind lately i mentioned in last update that i have been very preoccupied with my identity lately annnnnnnnnnnd idk. i have this thing where doing anything that feels too vulnerable in front of other people makes me horrifically uncomfortable but i'm so neurotic about it that like even changing the way i wear my hair or dress too drastically in a way that is extremely noticeable to other people makes me start to feel insane about it and stop/go back annnnnnd i get that with most transgender related things

IT'S SO ANNOYING because i have been so insanely dysphoric lately like everything about myself my face my voice the way i look my mannerisms the things i like the way everybody seems to be able to tell EVERYTHING MAKES ME FEEL HORRIBLE i want to be stealth for a bit but i fear i look like a prepubescent boy at best please don't make me be a twink....

i hate talking to people about it like i will talk to someone in class for a group project & i can feel them scrutinizing me trying to figure out what i am & it's so uncomfortable especially when they ask my pronouns & no one else's i just feel so clocked and like. & then thry ask about it sometimes and it's like stopppp please i do not want to share this insanely personal part of my life with you can we just get to work please. & then when people realize or find out or whatever they act so differently like WHYYY I AM A NORMAL PERSON.

i need to speak to a transgender person in real life so fucking bad

may 3 (sat) - hi....

hi sorry i dipped... exam stress & symptoms. i have a couple of half finished entries but i'm not going to bother uploading them tbh

i did... ok i guess in my exams. i don't have all my final grades back yet but i know i did decent in pragmatics & pretty well in translation, i passed my semantics exam but not the class overall (I GOT 43%. ALMOST) & so far nothing yet for compling or philosophy of language... anticipating a pass for the former & fail for the latter. oh well... i talked to my mom who is on board with me dropping down to a 4 course load instead of 5 since it keeps me as a full time student, & i will just take an extra year. i have 2 required classes i need to retake & 1 i need for the first time but other than that it will be mostly just electives, i am hoping there will be some kind of historical linguistics class or something about writing systems. or maybe i will take a class or 2 at a different uni & see about getting the credits transferred... class registration doesn't start until july anyways so i have time to consider.

i start work next week!! i am simultaneously excited and dreading it... but my coworkers who i love are coming back so it will be fine. my mom bought me a couple new shirts & a pair of jeans for it which was nice of her ^_^ all my other button ups are at least 2 years old now so it is nice to have a new one & also 2 tshirts for layering. for some reason they could only give me part time hours (almost full time but not quite -_-;) so i am planning to ask if i can get my smartserve certification & get some bar shifts... would give me some experience which is a leg up if i want a bartending job in the city once i am back for the fall. & also extra shifts = extra money + tips.

i have been on a sister maple plastic surgeon kick lately. aside from my regular playlist i have been turning to it alot for the past couple weeks. it's been in my library for a while but i only listened to a couple songs on it for a while, but i have been listening to it as an album & it's quickly become one of my favourites. your eyes glow in the foam moon is my number 1 but hellbent ft. 8485 is a very close second..

also lately i have been thinking of changing my name... i have been feeling very transgender for the past couple weeks thinking about my gender & how i want to present myself to society & etc, and i was thinking about how in the few times someone has called me sasha irl it felt... weird?? not in like a bad way but in like. i know this is me but it doesn't fully feel right. i go by a different name irl for the most part & even in the early days of using that name when i wasn't used to it yet i can't recall it feeling like that so i am considering dropping it...... i feel like i connected with it a lot more a couple years ago when i started going by it. i have been feeling more and more like i want to present more masculinely & less of a feminine influence in my identity & i think sasha just doesn't fit how it did anymore. i know it's originally a male name & whatever blah blah blah... i think madison is a cool guys name. obviously it is a popular female given name but it sounds really cool as a male name as well. don't talk to me about names have no gender i know ITS MY OPINION. anyways so yeah i was thinking of switching to madison instead of sasha... it also sounds good with my irl name which is a bonus because if i do end up switching i probably will add it to my irl first name legally. & then i will have 4 initials which is awesome.

yeah on that note i guess i will talk a little more about how i have been feeling identity-wise?? so for a while obviously i have been identifying as bigender and nonbinary and whatever... lately i have been really strongly wanting to present purely masculinely?? i have been voice training a little bit, & i have found myself reaching less for the more feminine pieces in my wardrobe. maybe i am just getting older & my frontal lobe is finally developing but idk i just don't feel that feminine part i felt before? i feel more in line with how i felt about my gender in like grades 8-10ish, albeit in a less weird and toxic way. i still definitely feel the androgynous aspect but i feel like i have shifted to be firmly on the masculine part of the spectrum. my goal is now to present less androgynously & more masculine... i have been doing a lot of thinking & i think maybe some of my insistence on androgyny is in part because i know i don't pass all the time & saying i look androgynous makes it feel better than saying i look like a girl lol. the woes of being a 5'6 round faced male 😓 ah well. i am planning to start working out a little over the summer so maybe hopefully by building some muscle & also dressing mostly masculinely i will pass a little better.

i got a haircut yesterday!! well i gave myself a haircut as i usually do... it turned out kind of way shorter than i would usually go for (i typically like to be able to see a little bit of hair at the back from under my ears) but i'm not mad about it because it looks fine. it didn't even take me that long! under an hour. new personal record 👍

tomorrow i am going to my grandparents' house to see my cousin and his wife who we don't see much. their wedding (well technically it was a vow renewal since they got married several months previously) was last summer but i missed it since i had to stay home & look after our pets (it was in the usa). i am not particularly close with this cousin but it will still be nice to say hello (editing note we literally did not speak once. cool). & then work on monday! i am scheduled every day this week but i get a late start shift on thursday which will be nice. i think there is some kind of fundraising event that day which will be interesting..

ok other than that now is there anything...... no ok doing my gratefullness things and then i am dipping. will try to get the music page within the next 2 weeks or so ^_^ bye

apr 14 (mon) - exams soon

I FORGOT TO UPDATE LAST WEEK! well i wrote a post for last saturday but idk if it counts... i was very busy trying (& failing) to make myself study for exams. i swapped over all my minecraft mods to 1.20.1 though!! that was productive i suppose... it did take over an hour since i use about 90 of them...

my first exam is on wednesday ahhhh!! it is for semantics, luckily it is in the evening so i will have some of today, tomorrow, & wednesday morning/afternoon to revise for it. my final compling paper is due the day after at midnight so what i am planning to do is spend tuesday and wednesday on campus so i can lock in and get all my research finished, do my outline, & write down what i already have about html/css, then on thursday i will put everything i have about java & python & spend the rest of the afternoon revising. my goal is to have it finished by 6pm that way if i run into any errors i have an extra 6 hours to finish it. i believe i can do it 🙏 i am good at cranking out essays really quickly. then after that i have exams tuesday & wednesday of next week so i will spend the rest of my time studying for those.

later today my friend & i are going to the park! it is supposed to be a really nice day & i wanted to go walk around & maybe take some pics of the nature. we are going in the afternoon since i am doing laundry & intermittently studying this morning.

update from tuesday night: we walked around the trails in the park for like 2 hours & then went to costco for hotdogs & i also bought a rotisserie chicken i later eviscerated. now i have 3 blisters on my feet & my lower calves hurt so bad when i walk. awesome 👍

also i have been thinking about changing my name somewhat??? as in adding one onto my irl name. i don't really go by sasha in real life it is more of an online name, & it really is only in the past year & a half or so that i have had a couple people start calling me sasha irl & every time idk it just doesn't feel quite right? i can recognize like hey that's me, but idk something is off about it. idk. anyways

apr 05 (sat) - end of term

CLASSES ARE OVERRRRRRR I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i am sooooo happy to finally be done!!! i do have a little bit of coursework to finish (2 final papers, 1 is due tmrw the other at the end of exams) but only 3 exams which are towards the end of the exam period which is good because it means i have about 2 weeks to study for the earliest one. so far i am looking at good grades in translation, compling, & pragmatics. semantics less so but still decent i think (i have been doing well on assignments) & philosophy of language even less so BUT it's my latest exam so i will study for it lots.

on thursday i had to do a presentation for my compling project i was so scared at first because i hate hate hate presenting but it ended up being fine. mostly because it wasn't in front of the whole class but we all had our posters displayed & people would come up to us an&d we would present to them. no one really gaf about mine which was partially relieving & partially irritating because i stayed up until 4am the night before making it BUT the like 5 or 6 people who did come see it thought it was really interesting so yay ^_^ mine is about the different types of linguistic constraints (semantic, syntactic, morphological etc) in computing languages (i looked at html/css for my poster but will look at more for the paper) compared to those in natural language. i actually was kind of bullshitting at first because i had no idea how to go about executing my idea but somehow it turned actually real & also beautiful. perhaps somewhat subjective because one of my main points was based on my own interpretation of functions in html/css in terms of natural language but i think it's fine... i will write a blog post about it after i get my final grade back maybe because i think its actually interesting. it was very fun to do this project and i am looking forward to integrating more complex languages into my research for the final paper :3

the weather this past week has been interesting. first it was cooler than it has been. then it was snowing & freezing rain for like 3 days. then it was 20° for 2 days. & now it is normal early spring temperature. pleaseeeee

other than my presentation & the weather happenings this week has been pretty uneventful. i haven't done much but there hasn't been much to do so. today it is cool out but not cold & apparently it is supposed to rain in a bit but so far it is still dry outside. i have to finish my part for the group translation essay tonight but before then i think i might take a walk if it doesn't start raining and/or go ride the bus around. tomorrow i have to clean, do laundry, & make up my study plan for the next couple weeks. currently i am in bed (it is 9:30am so this is fine) waiting for my phone to charge. somehow my charger got disconnected overnight & my lucid dreaming chakra aligning 3rd eye opening pineal gland decalcification guided meditation binaural beats forest rain ocean whatever video on youtube drained my battery so before i can do anything outside i need to charge her up. i need my musics to stay sane. right now i am listening to weapons by govlink on bandcamp, once i come into some moneys i plan to go on a bandcamp purchase spree so i can add stuff to my AIMP library & make more cds eventually.

that reminds me i need to work on my music page!! i am still considering the layout i want for it, previously i had been putting short reviews of my favourites & i am not sure if i want to do that again or have it as a music library or perhaps a combination??? mostly it is albums that i would want to put on it but there are some single songs like desert song mcr my beloved that i would want to put individually without the whole album... maybe i will continue with the short reviews & reuse the layout from my gender blog? in the top i will talk a little about musics i like & how i download stuffs, in the middle i will put my favourites (mostly from bandcamp but some from spotify naturally), and then i will have something new in the left bottom box & in the right i will put my cd collection. or something i might end up changing my mind idk

also! slightly unrelated but i have tentatively decided on a schedule for my blog posts. i want to post once a month on both my main blog & on my gender blog, so a total of 2 per month. i have been pretty decent with posting here once a week for the last month & a bit so i will try to continue that (github mobile has been especially helpful to me 🙏 love you queen), & once i finish the music page & get my initial favourites on there i will try to post monthly at the very least maybe biweekly if i can manage it. DON'T HOLD ME TO THIS except for the journal schedule since i have somewhat proven i can stick with it (editing note. um. naughs nervously). but i will do my best. my next blog post will be possibly about body modification possibly about gothic language revitalization possibly about personal websites. i haven't decided yet all 3 are currently in the works i just keep forgetting to work on them & then start a new one. they will all come out eventually i just need to sort out my thoughts... my beautiful thinkpiece on biological sex was written out in like an hour & a half & "peer-reviewed" by my friend frankie but that was a fluke usually i have to do several editing stages because it's all a jumbled mess of thoughts... well anyways

i am going to go read a book now i have too many books that i have never read & i need to get cracking on that because i used to read sooooo much but i haven't really been reading much in the past couple years... i was getting back into it for a while last year, i read yellowfsce by r.f. kuang (who i met once at a book event for babel btw not to brag) & earthlings by sayaka murata & the innocents by michael crommey but the latter two kind of turned me off it again because of the incest jumpscares... i have Thoughts about incest in media, maybe i will put that in my blog post ideas... to summarize i am generally ok with it if i know to expect it, it is still gross but i can accept it as a plot device or element of the story more than i can if it's unexpected. like with asoiaf i knew that the targaryens were the incest family & that jaime/cersei was a thing going into it so i was like ok. i think other things about it are interesting so i will investigate despite this. but then with the innocents it was unexpected for me, at some point i could kind of tell that it was coming but i held onto hope until they were actually having graphic incest sex & i was like wow ok gross goodbye. it was also a little worse in this case considering the book was inspired by a story of 2 real life siblings (WHO JUST LIVED ALONE ON AN ISOLATED TINY ISLAND. NO ONE HAS EVER CONFIRMED THEY HAD SEX IN REAL LIFE.) & so the whole thing was basically crommey writing weird slow-burn incest fanfiction idk it's super weird. the story was interesting at first & could have continued being interesting without the incest but it just kind of ruined it. ok this turned out way longer than expected i think i will make a separate blog post about it actually. um tldr if i am forewarned its weird but somewhat fine i guess if its a surprise its horrible gross & nasty.

anyways before i go read my book i am making my plans for the summer currently, i am going to list them here.

update: i ended up riding the bus around, there was an incident involving a pack of rabid 12 year olds but otherwise it was fine & i rode around for several hours & it was awesome.

30 march 2025 (sun)

i am 21 now!!! now if i for some reason want to go to america i can drink. i tried recreationally drinking the other weekend, when i did it on friday night it was fine but i miscounted the number of shots i took when i tried it again the next night (i had no weed so i had to make do) i took way too many. luckily because i am pure of heart i didn't get too badly hungover but i was nauseous all of the next day which sucked & thinking about taking those shots makes me gag but! i have weed again now. thank you franky 🫶

so far i have heard back from 1 of the dispensaries i applied to & it was a rejection (expected, they wanted more experience than i had but i shot my shot anyways) so i signed the contract my old summer job offered me 😓 i am being shipped off to town name come end of april... tragic. but at least i will have a room upstairs this time instead of in the basement... i need to be able to see the sun in the morning or else i get severely depressed.

speaking of that i think i have ocd because i have been having SYMPTOMS lately. mostly intrusive thoughts. i won't put what a lot of my intrusive thoughts resolve around but it mostly is 3 main themes & causes me a lot of anxiety especially recently. i have found myself ruminating a lot & it is super annoying to constantly have to break myself out of the thought spiral & find something else to occupy my attention... i don't really have many compulsions i don't think, mostly counting stairs because if i don't i'll fall down & get hurt (i have a fear of bodily injury) (if i know the number of stairs & get a different number i have to start over), if i am listening to music with a beat i can walk to i have to stay on beat or otherwise my skin starts crawling & i get super uncomfortable, etc. ocd is often comorbid with tourettes which i do have (i have had tics since i was a kid) & i have questioned whether i have it a couple times over the years but i always feel like a faker if i say that i have it so i have never been like yeah i have ocd. i kind of have been wanting to talk to someone about it & my anxiety in general because i kind of have been feeling like it is genuinely affecting my life in a negative way but i never remember to actually make an appointment or ask about it (conveniently forgetting...). well i will get to it eventually.

this comimg week i have 2 presentations to do its so horrible... 1 of them is tomorrow and 1 is on thursday. the tomorrow one i have finished my part of, it is a group assignment for my translation class & it is also the final so once we finish our essay i am done with that class for ever. the other one is my compling final project, i am supposed to make a poster to present. i have barely started on this one but i have a bunch of sources that i just need to look through & take notes on so i can make up my poster. then there is a paper for that one as well i think it will be about 4 pages long, i am going to include figures i think so hopefully that will take up lots of space aswell. & i have one more assignment for pragmatics due on friday & then i am DONE my classes & have 3 exams to do in middle/end of april before going back to town name. i am disappointed i won't be staying here for the summer but i will survive my 2 other coworkers i love are coming back also so it will be fine we will get to hangout every day.

i have been productive today! shocker because it's the weekend & i am usually the least productive on the weekend... but i did all of my part for our slideshow for tomorrow & wrote a post for my gender blog (thinking of putting it on my main blog... not sure....) & played minecraft & now am writing this. i know what i said in my blog post might be a hot take but i stand by it!!! i was inspired to write it while playing minecraft watching old ashton daniels videos in the background. it got me thinking & then i remembered that study which found that lots of trans men who underwent vaginectomy (removal of the vaginal canal) had grown prostate-like tissue that in some cases was "extremely developed" & then i was thinking of how i wanted to do a transgender vs transsexual post & i was like heyyyy wait a minute this is kind of tea... & then i wrote it out. yeah i'm a philosopher or whatever...

i don't have anything else to say soooo bye ^_^
i am grateful for:
1. whoever cancelled on my endocrinologist on the same day that i called
2. my clothes i can make cute outfits with
3. my friends who sent me birthday wishes
4. the steak i found in my freezer (it was delicious)
5. being assigned to the second day of compling poster presentations

things that made me happy:
1. buying new pants that fit really well
2. going on an adventure with my friend
3. spending time with my kitten
4. cooking something yummy
5. starting a new minecraft world

27 march 2025 (thu)

a beautiful combination of slight agoraphobia + medical anxiety + gender dysphoria + poor time management + memory issues have prevented me from filling my prescriptions for testosterone & leupron so i have been rationing my (surprisingly large) backup supply of t gel while being off leupron. i have been meaning to get them both filled but it's really annoying constantly transferring them between pharmacies depending on where i am (school, hometown) so i told myself i would keep it one place and go there myself whenever i need it filled again... well this did not work because leupron usually needs to be ordered several weeks in advance in my hometown's pharmacy and i am bad at planning. so i never ended up doing this, ny last leupron injection was in august & it is now the end of march. i try to keep an extra box or two of t gel just in case & i am often bad at remembering to put it on so i skip doses, but i am running out >_< i have about 2 weeks' worth left. awesome.

when i finally tried to transfer everything to my campus pharmacy they told me they needed to fax my dr to have the prescriptions reissued because they had lapsed -_-; & then from there it took like a week & a half because they faxed my gp first who then directed them to my endo who told them she needed to speak with me first. the horror!!!!!! usually she books 1-2 months out so i was very scared at this & did a ton of research into diy hrt because i am NOT going off testosterone. but then i called today (so scared) & miraculously she had a cancellation for this afternoon so i was able to speak with her & get my prescriptions reissued. well, i got my t script reissued. we talked about it and decided i would stay off leupron since t is doing what leupron was doing for me originally, plus leupron is a gigantic needle (seriously insanely large, usually when i would get it done as a teen the nurse would put it into a smaller needle because otherwise she would hit bone) & it is SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE like seriously it's like $1200 THATS CRAZY WORK luckily its covered by insurance but still.

so i am going off leupron for good which means i need to be better at doing my t gel. once the pharmacy calls to say i can pick it up i am going to keep a box by my bed because i spend so much time there that it probably will be easier to put it on there than get up to do it in the bathroom. i am so so relieved that i was able to get it sorted so quickly i was so anxious about this... but now almost all of my major issues (job + money + hrt + etc) are solved. yay ❤️

i am the luckiest man alive

19 march 2025 (wed)

hii ^_^ all this week it has been so nice! it rained on sunday but it was still warm. frankie & i made our japanese curry & it was so good! & i love my rice cooker it is perfect & beautiful & amazing. we watched the fnaf movie while eating it was awesome.

frankie brought me this fancy vintage coat they bought at a thrift store a while back but didn't end up liking. so it's MINE now and i love it! it makes me feel so fancy & dramatic, i have been wearing it every day this week. it was a little warm for it today i think but it was fine.

i called my old summer job again on monday to ask for an update as it has been over a week but no one answered so i left a voicemail but still i have had no reply... probably i will call again tomorrow or friday. i hate to be pushy but it is getting to the end of march & i would like to have a plan for the summer before exams so i can stop being stressed about it. today i went on an impromptu application spree. i had planned to go to 3 more dispensaries before class to drop off a resume, but then i started getting anxious about it so during class i went & sent out a bunch of online applications & cold emails, & after my classes ended i went out and & dropped off resumes at 5 more dispensaries. it was a grand total of 17 resumes, applications, or emails. hopefully people will start getting back to me soon, a bunch of the places that weren't currently hiring but took my resume said they would start hiring for the summer soon so i have my fingers crossed.

i have been feeling overall really good this week! i have been walking around outside a lot & i think it has been helping. on tuesday i didn't go to class because i couldn't get the momentum to get myself presentable but i was still productive & did some job applications & schoolwork, but monday & today i went to my classes & walked around afterwards! & i have been making proper dinner too. i have noticed the past couple years i get really depressed & unmotivated around the wintertime but start to feel better in the spring... unfortunately not many classes are offered in the spring/summer term so it's not really feasible for me to switch. but i have my happy light now so maybe next winter it will help? i have been having some crazy intrusive thoughts recently as well which sucks & has left me feeling anxious, and combined with my anxiety about not having enough money for things & not being able to find a job it has been a little rough. also i think i have another uti which is annoying. but the sun is out and that has really been helping.

i finally made it out to transfer over my prescriptions to the campus pharmacy. i am hoping to have them filled soon but unfortunately since it's been a while since i had them filled (i have been neglecting myself medically over the winter) they needed to reach out to my doctor & have them reissued. very annoying but hopefully resolved soon. i also need to call a doctor back about something which makes me feel very uncomfortable & i feel like i have no one to talk to about it. & i don't really want to talk about it in detail here either so i am kind of stuck feeling sick over it. my coping method for stuff is mainly just push it to the back of my mind which has been easier with the not being as depressed lately. & i have been keeping busy with job applications so i am doing ok about it.

lately i have been really enjoying my compling class. even though it's hard & i don't really understand everything, it is an interesting & fun challenge. i like drawing FSAs and making up simple grammars. we learned about string theory at the very beginning of term & it has recently become relevant in semantics which is nice. i have been doing well on the past couple of assignments for all my classes which has made me feel very happy. except for philosophy of language i um. failed the midterm.... well i will do a lot of studying for the final & hopefully pass, the professor is letting us do presentations for extra credit but i don't know what i would present about... friday is the last day to drop a class so i need to decide ASAP if it's worth it to take another full-time term before graduating. sigh. it probably isn't honestly, if i do my very best for the final i might be able to pass. i think as long as i get 65% on the final i will pass the class. i should get a good grade in translation & also in pragmatics which will help pad my gpa & i think i will do decent in compling & ok in semantics so if i do my very best in these last couple weeks i think i will be ok.

i am working on my gender page! this iteration of it is going to be somewhat of a blog because i have a lot of thoughts about gender & being transgender & such which i wanted to have separate from my journal of main blog (which i am still working on also!) which is why it's taking a little longer. but it hopefully will be done by the weekend! & now for my gratefullness stuffs...
i am thankful for:
1. not having to wear base layers
2. so many dispensaries in this city
3. my legs being able to carry me places
4. my friends for being kind to me
5. my nice clothes that make me look professional

things that made me happy:
1. rain!
2. wearing my new coat
3. taking long walks
4. people taking my resume
5. friendly people in my group project group

ok that is all for now i love you bye!

15 march 2025 (sat)

helloooo ^_^ it is 3am on saturday and i have been having a week. i did not make it to classes from tuesday-friday BUT i had an excuse for most of it. on wednesday i ran out of clean underwear which is somewhat necessary so i spent the day doing laundry, thursday-friday i went out job hunting! i printed out a bunch of resumes and handed them out to 10 dispensaries, 5 of which were currently hiring & i even got to speak with the manager/owner of 2! tuesday i ahve no excuse.

i had 3 assignments this week, 1 was for semantics which i think i did well on, 1 was for pragmatics which i think i did ok on, and 1 was a research proposal for compling so i have no idea how i did on it but i hope it's okay. i am going to try to actually put in effort for this project because since i skip so many classes i feel guilty so i figure might as well show that when i do go to class i pay attention. i always feel so lazy when i don't go to classes because i usually don't have an excuse but usually i am so exhausted that the thought of getting out of bed makes me want to cry & sometimes i just genuinely can't convince myself to get up. so.

on sunday frankie is coming over & we are going to make japanese curry! i love japanese curry sm because the texture is amaaaaaazing & franky is also going to bring me old containers they & their roommates are getting rid of which is exciting! i will get to use my new rice cooker i haven't opened yet, it was a birthday present from my parents. it's not the brand of rice cooker i would have bought myself (i was saving up sort of for one from zojirushi) but i still like it. it has lots of buttons on it for making stuff other than just regular rice so hopefully it will help me to actually cook foods other than pierogies.

i have sm cleaning to do later today... i have to put away all my clean laundry that has been sitting in the hamper since wednesday, wash all of my dishes, clean the bathrom, sweep, mop... sigh. probably i will watch a show while i do it. this week i have started rewatching little house on the prairie since i stole the dvds from my mom a while ago. i did NOT clock how insanely christian this show is as a kid... it is also kind of really uncomfortable it is at times especially talking about indigenous people. i know it is supposed to be like the common attitude at the time but like. do we have to. sigh again. well it is in dvd not streaming so no one profits plus i have skip button. anyways.

i have been somewhat lazy the past couple weeks but it is nice weather now which means i am somewhat less depressed. i can open my windows now also which is AMAZING because i love opening the windows i love to feel the breeze...

i am going to be soooo tired later. on thursday while handing out resumes i walked approximately 10 kilometers & then on friday i walked 5. i only needed 1 blister bandaid though ^_^ it was so warm on friday i almost had to take my cardigan off it was so warm. but it was nice to be in the sunshine & hopefully i will get at least 1 call for a job!

that is mostly it for this week. i got new pants! they are from depop & they are soooo comfy.
i am grateful for:
1. warm weather
2. second cup mocha frappe
3. not having to wear a jacket
4. my mom sending me $20
5. having a printer

things that made me happy:
1. drawing FSAs in class
2. wearing regular shoes instead of winter boots
3. taking a long walk & exploring parts of the city i have never been to before
4. my new pants arriving early
5. people taking my resume

i love you goodbye!!

10 march 2025 (mon)

currently i am sitting on campus waiting to go to my translation class. it is such a nice day i decided to come early so i could walk to my compling class instead of taking the train (since it is on the other side of campus sometimes taking the train is nicer than trekking 20 minutes in the cold) & i enjoyed walking outside in the sunshine.

i was supposed to write this yesterday but i ended up being busy so i am writing it today. but it's fine.

my mom was pestering me about calling my summer job from last year to see if they would want me back, i emailed my old boss on wednesday night but she hadn't responded by the next day so my mom was like idea! call her now. & i was like well no i'll be polite & give her 2 business days to respond she's probably busy. & my mom was like well fine but if you don't you will die alone homeless on the streets. & i was like wow ok well i will call her tomorrow i guess. jesus. so i called her the next day & what do you know! she didn't have an answer for me. she needed to talk to another person who had been on vacation about hiring & such but she said she would email me next week. so really it would have been better to call on monday (today) anyways. so i was a little annoyed by that partially because i felt like it was rude & partially because making personal phone calls (ie. not for work or to my friends) makes me feel like i am going to throw up & pass out. i made the call sitting in bed clinging to my blahaj for dear life it was truly horrible.

my friend frankie and i hung out on sunday and did karaoke which was so fun ^_^ we sang songs such as heathens 21pilots, radioactive imagine dragons, & one day aria my little pony. it wa very fun. i love to sing & do it alot by myself. one of my favourite songs to sing is just a man from epic the musical even though i don't actually like epic the musical it is just a fun song to sing.

i actually don't have much to talk about for last week so i will put my gratefullness stuff & that will be all.
i am thankful for:
1. music to make me happy when i feel sad
2. the man across the street who loudly shovels his driveway at 3am, i feel a strange sort of kinship with him
3. my friends who listen to me & make me feel a connection to the world
4. warmer weather
5. my education, even when it gets hard

things that made me happy:
1. singing loudly in my apartment
2. opening the window at midnight to smell the air & listen to the city
3. peeling oranges in bed
4. petting my kitty
5. jumping over melted snow puddles
ok that is everything i love you & goodbye!

06 march 2025 (thurs)

i got my cannsell certification ^_^ & it was my kitty's birthday yesterday!! he is 2 years old now they grow up so fast... hard to believe it's been over a year and a half with him now it barely feels like a month... i am so grateful to have him in my life it was a little hard for a while suddenly being completely on my own and taking care of another living being aswell but it's all worked out & i wouldn't trade him for anything <3

i have been trying to be kinder to myself & start doing things other than go to school go to sleep & repeat. it is supposed to start warming up this week so i am going to try to start taking walks & being more positive. to help with this i am going to record 5 things that made me happy each week & will include them in my journal posts for the week (i write my journal posts in my phone's notes app & type them up on the computer later, so i can record stuff on the go). here is one for last week:
i am thankful for:
1. my family who supports me
2. my nice clothes that make me feel good
3.my kitten who is nice to me & loves me & who i love sm
4. mango monster energy drink
5. the ability to express myself through body modification

things that made me happy:
1. getting my eyebrows pierced
2. the first warm spring breeze
3. making finite state acceptors for my compling midterm
4. buying new ice packs for cricket's autofeeder so i can get up later in the morning
5. seeing pea on the neighbour's porch when i got home from class

i just made a new spotify playlist because the old one i was listening to was 14 hours long (my driving playlist) & i was tired of skipping 5 million songs to get to a good one. some of it is sad songs but there are some happy ones too which i think is important if i want to be more positive. lately i have been really into weightless by all time low & also nobody's perfect from hannah montana. i think the latter is unironically a really uplifting & motivating song even if it's meant for kids. i have been struggling with university this year, 2 of my classes from last term i didn't pass & combined with my 1st year logic class which i also didn't pass & the one i dropped in 2nd year that means i have 4 credits to make up before i can graduate so that means i have to either take 2 in the summer & 6 per term next year OR take an extra semester & it has been kind of affecting my self esteem. i have always been able to coast through school with minimal effort or difficulty but i haven't been able to do that this year which has shaken my confidence in myself & made me really anxious & worried about school, but listening to that song helps make me feel a little better & i can tell myself that it's okay & sometimes you just have to try again & you will get it right in the end. & weightless is kind of similarly motivational in that i am tired of sitting here not really doing anything & i want to do something to make it worth it.

i also was able to get bubble tea with my friend ylfva! it was very fun because we haven't seen eachother in 2 & a half months. usually we get coffee at a specific coffee shop he introduced me to & sit down & talk for a while but sadly that place has closed down now so we have had to make alternative arrangements. i made a list of places in the same area that looked interesting & the bubble tea place was our first pick. usually i don't get bubble tea because i don't like the texture of boba (popping pearls are alright though), i generally gravitate to places that do blended drinks like frappes because i like slushies. but i decided to try it & i am glad i did! i got mango juice which was very good & had chunks of whole mango at the bottom which was unexpected & i wasn't sure how i felt about it at first but i decided that it was ok because i love mango. me & ylfvie chatted for a while, he told me about school tea & his boyfriend's brother's strange name & his strange hometown friends, & i told him about my favourite olden days tumblr troll blog who i have been thinking about lately because of being recommended stuff on instagram that reminded me of them. then we talked around the mall for a bit before i had to go to class where i dodn't pay attention and just worked on my cannsell.

i got 100% on the exam btw! so now i am officially certified to work in a dispensary. here's hoping i will finally land a job with it... now i know all about terpenes & responsible selling & that if you sell weed to a minor you can get up to 14 years in prison. so don't do that.

oh wow this is long i should probably go now it is late & i need to be up for class tomorrow. goodnight i love you sparkle on!!

02 march 2025 (sun)

helloooo i have officially finished all my midterms! i think i did decently on both compling & semantics, less so on philosophy of language but i think i passed at least. so yay ^_^ i also went to the majority of my classes this week which is good since i was skipping alot earlier in the term... i have been starting to enjoy compling a little more since i figured out how to do finite state acceptors it is actually kind of fun to make them to be honest.

it was really warm for the first couple days this week which was nice but it turned out to just be false spring because on thursday temps dropped & then friday an&d yesterday it was snowing alot. i'm hoping for a full week of spring weather before my birthday at the end of the month! the transition between late winter and early spring is my favourite, i like it when the snow is melted through in places so you can see patches of grass & the early spring flowers are coming up & there's still a cool breeze from the snow but its like 5° & you can feel the sun on your face. it feels like hope & like new beginnings.

i got my eyebrows pierced on wednesday! a reward for myself for getting through midterms. i have been really into piercings for the past ~2 years or so & since it's been so long since i last got a new piercing (last time was both of my conches in march 2024 for my bday) i decided to do something a little different & got paired angled inner eyebrow piercings. they look so cute & i am so glad i got them. they are slightly bruised still but healing well ^_^ trying to keep my eyebrows still so they have the best chance of healing has been somewhat of a challenge considering i have tics that involve scrunching my eyebrows and raising and wiggling them but for the most part i have been able to suppress and redirect them. it does mean i've been ticcing a little more often however which is annoying but i can deal with it :eye roll: currently i am working on a blog post about body modification because it is something i am interested in & i have a lot of thoughts about it ^_^

DOUG FORD WON THE FUCKING ELECTION I AM PISSED I HATE HIS ASS SO MUCHHHHH and i know in my heart that half the tory voters thought this was a federal election and were trying to vote trudeau out which makes this worse... well ontario is usually reverse bellwether so hopefully this indicates the federal election will go red? pretty please??? ndp would be better but i will accept liberals if i must.

this weekend i am trying to get my cannsell certification so i can apply for a bunch of dispensary jobs... fingers crossed this will pay off!

22 february 2025 (sat)

hiiii ^_^ i voted yesterday! there is a provincial election in ontario right now & i want doug ford fucking fired. since i live away from home for uni i had to vote in advance because i will not be home or able to come home on election day. & it was less crowded yesterday anyways. this is the second time i have voted in a provincial election, i voted in 2022 before going off to uni but unfortunately doug ford won that one... sad. well, here's hoping we get ndp or at least liberals in this time.

i said in my last entry that i was going to be studying for midterms all week this week. well, guess what? i didn't do anything. like absolutely nothing. it's 4am on saturday & since today is my last day here i need to lock in between doing laundry. & i can still study in the car & on monday. i mostly need to go over logic for semantics & review the lecture slides for philosophy of language, but i will need to genuinely lock in after those midterms on tuesday because i refuse to fail my compling midterm & i am so incredibly behind in that class.

in other news i discovered 2 of my old tumblr blogs are still kicking... i had to figure out which long-forgotten email address was attached to which account, & i managed to get the oldest one deleted but i lost the password to the email for the other one & all the passwords i have listed don't work so i had to submit a form to tumblr staff. they have been helpful in the past when my current blog's password expired somehow and i couldn't log in, so i am hoping they can help me get access to this one also. i have a bad habit of forgetting to delete accounts once i abandon them & then losing access to the email i used to create them so they are just stuck forever.

yesterday was a friend's birthday, & i wanted to reach out to say hi & give them my well wishes but i realized that i have no way to contact them?! i knew they deleted their instagram a while back but i've been off tumblr so i didn't notice they deleted their blog too... & the only other contact i have is a discord account which idek is active or not... or animal crossing but i don't have nintendo online rn. i feel bad for not noticing earlier. if you see this ever happy birthday shep i miss u....

anyways um aside from that i found a silverfish in the bathroom yesterday it was like the end portal spawn room lol. i think i am going to go to bed now it is 5am & i need to sleep more so goodnight

17 february 2025 (mon)

woooo first journal entry (party emoji) i have been busy as fuck this week! first, i had a quiz on monday which was followed immediately (as in, during the same class) by a presentation i had to give about translation loss and literal vs connotative meaning, then i had a quiz AND a midterm on Wednesday, & then 2 assignments due on Thursday which i left until the very last minute. & this week is reading week, so i also had to clean my entire apartment from top to bottom & do tons of laundry in preparation. AND we got TONS of snow this past week so i had to go out to shovel a couple times too. it has been a trying week.

my mom came to pick me up for reading week the other day & we had to drive 8 hours back in a snowstorm. during the trip, we saw a grand total of 5 accidents, 2 people in the ditch, & 0 snow plows on our side of the road... the other side had about 15. tch. & we were on the same highway for about 6 hours. come on. the visibility was generally pretty decent but the snow was accumulating sooo fast & it was getting icy in some places. the classic canadian winter game of hope you are in your lane and drive straight. we almost got sideswiped by several people who for some reason thought it was a good idea to drive super close to us... & we passed a couple of people who had zoomed past us at like 120kmh (for reference, we were going about 60, maaaaaaybe 80 if we could see the road, on a 100kmh highway) minutes earlier at the side of the road because they had crashed. be careful driving in the snow it is treacherous as fuck!!!

like i mentioned this week is reading week, & i have a lotttttt to get caught up on. i have not been having the time of my life recently so i've been slacking off and skipping class a lot, and while most of my lectures get posted online not all do (looking at you, computational linguistics (the hardest class of them all)) & i have 3 midterms next week so i need to get my nose to the grindstone this week. i've made a study schedule for this week, i have 4 classes i need to study for: philosophy of language, semantics, pragmatics, and compling. all of my classes are pretty hard this term (not in a course load-intensive way, but the content is harder for me) but luckily they are all pretty interrelated so studying one helps in another. my translation midterm was the one last week, & i think i did okay even though i ran out of time on one of the last questions. that's probably the easiest class i have since all it really is is coming to class, listening to a 5 minute lecture, and translating one sentence from french and writing a discussion post about it. unlike semantics where we are doing formal logic (Ex(Cx ^ Sx), or x exists such that x is a class and x sucks) (i hate logic) or compling where we are drawing pictures (finite state acceptors)... AHHHH i am tired of university & it is making me irritable about everything.

on friday i saw one of the neighbourhood stray cats. my downstairs neighbour feeds them & has winter shelters for them so it is not uncommon to see cat tracks, but i haven't gotten acquainted with any of them other than pea. she is black with white paws and she is such a sweetheart. she meows at me and makes me sit down and pat her and scratch her head and i give her chicken and sheep liver treats. i was glad to see her as i haven't seen much of the neighbourhood cats this winter & i have been worried about them. pea seemed to be in good spirits however & she was still plump so i think she has been ok. i'm not sure if she is truly a stray or just an "outdoor" cat (i have thoughts on outdoor cats... maybe i will write a blog post about it?) who has someone taking care of her (other than my neighbour) but i hope she & the other cats have somewhere warm to sleep at night & lots of food to eat.

ok i have nothing else to talk about really it is 4:45am in the morning so i think i will go to bed goodnightmorning!

welcome to my journal where i document my day-to-day life & stuff i do : )
recent entries:
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16-05-2025 - hey... heh.....
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07-05-2025 - starts choking myself out and slamming myself against the wall
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bisexualmale04 2022 - 5everrrrr ^_^